An Introspective Conversation
Q: We are used to seeing people from the outside. What would it be like to see them from the inside?
Two introspective researchers sent us an e-mail exchange concerning an introspective conversation; it will allow other researchers to open a window on what happens inside other people.
Their names are, of course, fictitious, but the correspondence is sincere and shows us actual problems. We hope that our fellow researchers will draw from it valuable ideas for their introspective path.
LUCIA WRITES TO IRIS. Her email begins with an intense self-criticism from that part of the human being who takes the name of Inner Judge.
Hi Iris,
Fears and emotional sabotage
After having reawakened (thanks to self-observation) old fears, hidden in my past, I have brought to surface heavy emotions, which now unbalance me… I feel shy, always on guard, I have difficulty speaking and saying how I feel.
I avoid knowing others and getting involved with them, but I fear they deceive me – is this an emotional sabotage by my inner victim? I already realized that, and this helps me to become more conscious and proceed with my introspective path. This even if I am still more afraid to investigate why all this happens. If I have entered situations, relationships and events that have pushed me into an emotional swamp, there will be a why, a why that goes beyond what I know of life. It scares me, but I want to know… even if it hurts.
The monster in me: emotions and masks
I wonder how perverse my inner world is for leading me to seek subconsciously such heavy experiences. If I break out of certain patterns, am I a monster in human disguise? or a “human” dressed as a monster with a mask that hides them? The worries for all what I love, respect and defend, are just a mask? My tears as well? Can’t I distinguish between emotions and masks?
And yet I get emotional; I know how to have fun without a beer in my hand; I feel pleasant chills in circumstances such as when I hug or kiss someone, smile or laugh. When I look at the sky, at the mountains, I feel my heart warm and light. All these emotions do not seem like a mask; I have a great desire to experience them every day, but I rarely do it in human relationships; only when I am alone, amid nature, I allow them to flow freely.
I realized how strong is the energy of the monster in me, but the wonderful breeze that embraces me in some awareness moments (which I did never have before) is stronger, and will help me follow the path I have started.
Out of the emotional swamp!
Well, I wonder if I have planned subconsciously to suffer, because I need to learn how to loosen some deep knot that is doing me so much harm. If I realize I have requested “such experiences” a part of me feels like a monster; could this be humanly unacceptable?
Another part, however, wants to grasp the deep meaning of the events and turn everything into opportunities to work on. It’s hard… there is a lot of anger in me, but I find more frustrating to stand still in an “emotional swamp”, and do nothing to get out of it – nothing to change the patterns that rule – and limit – my life.
The curiosity and desire to expand my knowledge stimulates me out of the “comfort area”… Whatever happens, it will always be better than immobility, it will always be a movement towards a new personal goal.
Lucia